BATTLE ARCHIVES

BATTLE ARCHIVES

Storm Version Battles One to Five

Battle #1: Iron Chef
Date: January 1, 2001
Location: Iron Chef Show
Player: Iron Chef Pokebattles
Author: Duo/Vivi

FRIEZA wants to COOK!
He doesn't really want to cook... he just has to.
Same thing!
Not really.
REM appeared!
What?
Eh... REM disappeared!
Better... when does the competition begin?
CHEFS, please enter the KITCHEN STADIUM!
JASON ROSS: Chefs! Your ingredient will now be revealed!
...
JASON ROSS: The ingredient is...
C'mon!!
JASON ROSS: CHIKORITA!
FRIEZA: What the!? But how!?
IRON CHEF PB recieved CHIKORITA!
FRIEZA recieved CHIKORITA!
...
YOU have 45 MINUTES!
BEGIN!
Here goes!
FUKUI-SAN!
JASON ROSS: Yes?
IRON CHEF POKEBATTLES doesn't want to FRY CHIKORITA!
FUKUI: Hm... he won't win like that.
FEMALE VOICE: No, no he won't...
FUKUI-SAN!
FUKUI: Yes?
FRIEZA used BLAST!
FRIEZA BLASTED CHIKORITA!
What? CHIKORITA is evolving!
FEMALE VOICE: Oh.. my.
FRIEZA: I will make this whole PLANET supper!!!!!!!!!
CHIKORITA evolved into FRIED-CHIKO!
MALE VOICE: That will be a useful cooking tool that Frieza has.
Aha! I'll just use my "101 Ways to Wok a Dog" book on Chikorita!
IRON CHEF POKEBATTLES used 101 WAYS TO WOK A DOG on CHIKORITA!
WAKUSEINO APPEARED!
FUKUI-SAN!
FUKUI: Yes?
FRIEZA is MIXING CHIKORITA CHUNKS with RICE!
Hm...
FRIEZA: This will be the best EVER! It'll be SURE to defeat the judg- err... it'll be sure to please the judges!
MALE VOICE: IRON CHEF POKEBATTLES is now putting Chikorita on the wok...
WAKUSEINO: STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!
WAKUSEINO wants to fight!
FUKUI: It seems that this Wakuseino person is trying to stop Iron Chef Pokebattles from wakking the wokorita! Or, I mean the chokusein, or... wait a..
FUKUI is CONFUSED!
FUKUI hurt WAKUSEINO in it's CONFUSION!
WAKUSEINO fainted!
Now if I just finish wokking this Chiko!
I'm done!
FUKUI-SAN!
FUKUI: No?
Eh... FUKUI is CONFUSED no more!
FUKUI: Oh... I meant to say "Yes?"
I was going to say... 15 MINUTES are up!
15 minutes are already up!
TIME was SPED FORWARD To JUDGEMENT TIME!
JUDGE1: I'm ready to eat this hopefully delicious meal.
Oh, oh... of course it'll be good!
I present you, my first dish... "Chikorita Delight"
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
Hey, how do you like the dish?
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
I SAID! How is the dish!?
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
GRRR! Anyway... my next meal is... "Chikorita Soup"!
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
...
Eh...
I'll try again with my next dish!
...Chikorita Pie!
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
............
Here, have some "Chiko Kebob on Bamboo Skewers"!
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
Grrrrrr!
You stupid Judges!
Take this!
IRON CHEF POKEBATTLES threw SKEWERS at JUDGES!
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
...what the!? o_O;
Gundamnit! If it goes like this it's gonna be a tie >_<;
FRIEZA! Show the judges your meals!
FRIEZA: DIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! ... or, HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! rather.
FUKUI: FRIEZA's first meal is "Chikorita & Beef Stew"!
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
FRIEZA: Okay. Here... here's your second meal! It's Chikorita Meat on Chiko-shaped Buns!
JUDGE1: It's delicious! It goes great. I just hope the rest of the meal is as good!
JUDGE2: This is good, but I don't too much like the way you used the Chikorita in this dish.
JUDGE3: It's great. I want more after the show!
JUDGE4: What is Chikorita?
...
FRIEZA: ...
FRIEZA: You fools! TAKE THISSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUNKS appeared!
TRUNKS used SLICE!
TRUNKS SLICED FRIEZA in TWO!
FRIEZA fainted!
FUKUI: Whoa, I can't believe what I'm seeing!
FEMALE VOICE: Did he just?
MALE VOICE: Yes. He just sliced him in two!
...This is getting weird.
JUDGEMENT MUSIC PLAYS!
JASON ROSS: And the winner is...
To be continued...
...
...
...
...
FINE! >_<
JASON ROSS: IRON CHEF POKEBATTLES!!!!!!!!!!

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Battle #2: Every cloud has a silver lining...except this one.
Date: January 3, 2001
Setting: Cyclone City, Cloud Version
Player: Sheep of Doom
Author: Sheep

SHEEP is packing!
Ah, that looks like the last pair of socks...
YOU only ever wear one pair of socks anyway!
Shush.
Hurry up in there! Your fellow characters are all ready to go!
Gasp! White text! It could only be...
DRUM used ROLL!
DRUM rolled!
There was a DRUMROLL!
...THE CLOUD VERSION WEBMASTER!
SHEEP stumbled trying to get out of his house!
O Cloud Webmaster, we are honoured by your presense. Please accept these gifts of-
Calm down, idiot. I'm here to escort you to Storm Version.
LIGHTNING crashed down!
SHEEP is burned!
It's hurt by the burn!
Ack! Why are you doing this, Narrator!
Just having fun on my last day!
Oh yes, of course. What will you do after this?
I'm thinking of going into farming.
Sounds good.
Sigh. First, they worship me. Then, I say something, and they ignore me. Typical characters.
NARRATOR begins an involving conversation with SHEEP about FARMING!
Ack. Perhaps this will get their attention...
...Storm Version Portal, Open!
Yea, I hear milking is better in the Winter when the cows are-oh, crap, uh, PORTAL to STORM VERSION opened!
Wow, nice colours...swirling...hypnotising...special...I am a chicken...
...it's only a portal, it's not meant to hypnotise you...
NARRATOR points out that a bowl of cereal hypnotises SHEEP!
Good point.
Okay people, gather round.
SHEEP, BILL HODGKINS, SARAH BELLUM, BOB and WALLY gathered round!
I'm afraid, as we're not concentrating on plot in the new version, and as we have other characters to use, not all of you will come to Storm.
GROANS of DISMAY were heard.
Heh heh heh. I've gotta go - I'm the Webmasters self-insertion!
BILL: "Hey! I thought I was his self-insertion!"
Quiet down, please...
BOB: "I thought I was!"
SARAH: "Shut up, fools. His self-insertion is obviously me."
EVERYONE stared at SARAH!
EVERYONE: "You're a girl!"
SARAH: "So? The self-insertion doesn't have to be of the same sex as the one who inserted her, and I actually find it quite offensive that you would suggest-...Oh, don't worry, it was just a thought."
Please shut up for one second...
BILL HODGKINS: "That's a relief. I was worried for a moment there"
IF YOU GUYS DON'T SHUT UP NONE OF YOU ARE COMING TO STORM!!
EVERYONE looked shocked and immediately stood to attention!
Good. Now, numerous extras are gone.
NUMEROUS EXTRAS were DELETED!
Evil insane villains are out...
WALLY: "Aww..."
WALLY AND HIS MINIONS were DELETED!
Hmm...those radioactive chipmunks can come...
GLOWING CHIPMUNK POPULATION is happy!
Flying Rabbits are gone. Never liked 'em.
MINATURE FLYING RABBIT POPULATION was DELETED!
Aha! Now he's come to us.
Ah yes. My loyal main characters. Over the years-
IT has been just over 3 months!
Shush.
See? Told you he was my self-insertion. I said that at the start of this battle!
BILL HODGKINS: "Hey, I say that sometimes too you know..."
BOB: "I seem to remember saying it once or twice..."
SHUT UP!
EVERYONE shut up!
Now stay that way!
EVERYONE stayed that way!
Good.
Jeez, what a weirdo. Bet he hasn't got a gi-
You are very close to deletion.
I'll be good!
Now, this job has to be done quick.
Bob, Storm Version has no room for smart 8 year olds. You're out.
BOB: "But why? I worked so hard and-"
BOB was DELETED!
It is with great regret that I allow the rest of you to stay. Sheep, Sarah and Bill will be the new characters in Storm.
Yay!
However, I have to alter your personalities a bit.
Wah?
SARAH and BILL say pretty much the same!
See, we operate on less of a plot over at Storm. So you guys have to be funnier.
I have a bad feeling about this...
Stop ripping off Star Wars.
Star Wars?
Don't worry.
Now, the changes are as follows:
I'm not going to like this...
Sheep, you will get even stupider than you already are.
What's that supposed to mean?
Ah, I see it's taking effect already.
Sarah, you will become more obnoxious.
BILL HODGKINS: "Hmm...didn't think that was possible..."
Hmm...Bill's changes have also sprouted early. You were supposed to be more of a smart-ass.
RSACi cloud appeared!
Aha. I have a loophole for you. 'Ass' means donkey.
RSACi cloud disapated in defeat!
There isn't a thing you can't accomplish with a good loophole.
Right, so you guys better be off. Hurry along now.
SHEEP, SARAH and BILL entered the PORTAL!
Ah. Just you and me now, Narrator.
Indeed.
What a dump this place was, eh? Couldn't even get above a 4 in Battle Quality.
Please don't sound like Wakuseino. You'll make me depressed.
You have a point.
You left a few things undone, you know?
You mean the fact that Bob somehow escaped from a prison instantly, and the fact that there is another Narrator somewhere around here?
Exactly.
It doesn't matter. Bob has been deleted, and that Narrator...well, I don't really care.
I must go. I have an agricultural course to take at University.
Oh yea, have fun with the farming thing. Name a sheep after me or something.
And just what would I call this sheep named after you?
Er...Sheep, I suppose...never mind.
Goodbye, Webmaster.
Goodbye, Narrator.
I LEFT!
Sigh. Goodbye, Cloud Version. May Storm Version be better than you were.
Dang, no Narrator. Erm...I am going through the portal...
Er...the...uh...portal...closed.
OTHER NARRATOR arrived!
Damn! I *knew* I shouldn't have taken Flying Rabbit Taxis. Damn driver got deleted halfway through the trip!
...
...
...
...
Guess I'm alone...did we ever build a McDonalds here?

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Battle #3: Jason and the Technicolour Cheatwatch
Date: January 4, 2001
Setting: Storm Version Staff Meeting Room
Player: Jason Ross
Author: Sheep

You sure it's a good idea to use the Almighty One in a battle?
Trust me. Mocking Jason gets a Battle Quality of 5, guaranteed!
Okay...

Location: Poké Battles HQ, California.

ALARM used BEEP!
ALARM is BEEPING!
Ah! Turn it off! Kill it! Ah!
ALARM fainted!
Oh, phew, that was close...
JASON is late for SCHOOL!
Uh...why would I set my alarm to a time where I would be late?
...I dunno, but all the good cartoons do it, so get a move on!
What kind of sad cartoons do you- oh, wait, I have to be careful in my Non-Almighty form.
Correct! You are my prey, now!
Bah. Anyway, to school. What day is it, anyway?
TODAY is SEPTEMBER 15th, MONDAY.
Hmm...that date means something...something...can't think...
Could it be...Chemistry Test?
Shut up, I'm trying to think...remember...September 15th...Monday...15th...damn, shouldn't have drunk so much last night...come on, think...
Chemistry test.
Will you please shut up? Have to remember...Monday...September...
CHEMISTRY TEST!!
Shut up about the chemis- oh, crap, I have a Chemistry test today!
Sigh...
Oh no! I was supposed to study! I'm gonna fail, just like I failed to chat up Deb...

Location: Storm Version Staff Meeting Room.

What are you doing?! Teasing the Webmaster on THAT subject will get you killed!
Relax. It'll be fine. He'll interpret it as brilliant humour and give me a 5. You just wait.
He didn't do that to poor Ditto!
This battle isn't an extremely long sentence that goes on and on and on and on and on...
Still, if Jason doesn't kill you, people at #pokebattles will, if the pictures are delayed!
Hmm...you may be right there. Very well, I shall change. But you better be right...
If I'm wrong, you get a 4. If you go ahead with your original plans, and YOU'RE wrong, you get killed.
Good point. Back to the battle, then.

Location: Poké Battles HQ, California.

Sigh...
Oh no! I was supposed to study! I'm gonna fail, just like I failed to...erm...open the cereal box yesterday!
JASON is going to FAIL! (Nice recovery...)
I know! I'll ring Sloth for help!
JASON is ringing SLOTH!
Yea, the chemistry test...shut up about my drinking problem...that was a joke...yes, I know you were hospitalized for three months...no, I don't think I deserve this...oh, fine!
JASON hung up!
Damn Sloth...it was only 20 metres...
I'll have to pass the test myself!
JASON begins to sing!
I wanna beat...some crappy tests...that no one's studied for!
READERS block EARS!
To cheat on them...my personal- Storm has readers?
Bah. Got me.

Location: Jason's School.

JASON is NERVOUS!
Test...gonna fail...help...
Surely, there is something JASON can do!
What...could I...possibly..do...
JASON could always CHEAT!
But what with? I only have myself, my clothes, and my...
JASON's HAPPINESS greatly increased!
MY WATCH!!
...
THE GREAT CHEATING WATCH!! THE WATCH OF RECORDED ANSWERS!!
...leave the capitals to me...
I'm saved! There IS a God!
...I thought YOU were the God...
Er...only on weekends.
...
Anyway, onward to the test!
EXAM started!
TEACHER: "All quiet, please"
Right, here we go!
TEST wants to fight!
TEST sent out QUESTION #1!
Alright, you're up, Watch!
JASON sent out WATCH!
QUESTION #1 used HOW MANY PROTONS DOES HYDROGEN HAVE?
Oooh, hard one.
Watch! Recover Memory Attack!
WATCH used RECOVER MEMORY!
MEMORY was RECOVERED!
JASON used PENCIL!
JASON wrote down the ANSWER!
QUESTION #1 fainted!
TEST sent out QUESTION #2!
Recover Memory again, Watch.
WATCH used LOW BATTERY!
What? No!
WATCH fainted!
NOOOOO!!!
QUESTION #2 used WHAT IS THE SYMBOL FOR POTASSIUM?
JASON panicked!
I DON'T KNOW!!
JASON'S YELLING caught the ATTENTION OF PUPILS!
Give nickname to ATTENTION OF PUPILS?
JASON'S YELLING: No.
...this is scary...
THIS is TOO SCARY!
JASON fainted!

Location: Storm Version Staff Meeting Room

Well, it's over. Now we wait.
Will you trust me? It'll be fine.
We better get a 5...
Yes, Jason, please, a 5! 5 is good! Oh, wouldn't we be so happy is we got a 5, wouldn't we? *wink wink nudge nudge*
Er...Jason, this insolent fool means no disrespect, really!
Insolent fool, am I?
Ah!
BATTLE ENDED!

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Battle #4: We love to see you smile!
Date: January 5, 2001
Setting: Some road in Storm Version
Player: Andrew
Author: Sheep

ANDREW is hungry!
Too right. No food in this version yet.
Oops...I think we forgot about that.
You FORGOT about FOOD?!
Yes.
...that's too horrible...how do you manage without any food at-
Oh, we did have SOME food supplies...you know, full kitchen and catering for the Staff Meeting Room...
WHAT?! How could you be so MEAN to your characters and so NICE to yourselves?!
Er...we follow the other versions example?
Not an excuse.
Look, how funny would this be if the Narrator and Webmasters lived in perfect harmony with the characters? It would be like, "Oh, hello Sheep, fancy some tea?" And Sheep would say, "Oh, very well Andrew, and would you like to try some of these delicious biscuits the Narrator made" "I'd be all to happy, Sheep" NO. NOT GOOD. NOT FUNNY.
...I think I see your point...but haven't Narrators sometimes been tempted to be nice to the characters for once?
No.
Surely!
Well...there are SOME incidents. But then we Narrators remind ourselves that you characters are the scum of the Network, the dog crap on our mighty shoes, the weevil in our breakfast cereal, the typo in our message-board posts, the disease-ridden, puss-filled, ankle-biting, un-intelligent, evil little excuse for beings, that are only worthy to be narrated as DEAD.
Ah.
Want some food?
Er...yes...please...
MCDONALDS appeared!
Ah! The greatest restaurant to exist! The shining arches that remind everyone of the joy that is food!
Indeed.
ANDREW walked inside!
Yea, I'll have a Big Mac, and large fries. Chocolate milkshake.
TEENAGE YOUTH: "Do you want fries with that?"
Uh...yes?
TEENAGE YOUTH: "That'll be $5.70"
Uh...Narrator?
Heh heh heh...
Go on...gimme some cash!
Get yourself outa this one.
Er...I tell you what, Teenage Youth. I'm just a poor kid with no money...my dad is paying for this. He's that big booming voice.
What? No! Don't listen to him!
TEENAGE YOUTH: "That's $5.70, big booming voice"
Go squeeze a pimple.
TEENAGE YOUTH: "I'm going to get the manager..."
MANAGER: "I'm afraid you and your son are going to have to leave"
Please Mister Manager sir! Could I please have some food? My father is really unkind, just today he called me the scum of the Network, the dog crap on his mighty shoes, the weevil in his breakfast cereal, the typo in his message-board posts, a disease-ridden, puss-filled, ankle-biting, un-intelligent, evil little excuse for a being, that is only worthy to be narrated as dead! Just scroll up and see!
MANAGER used SCROLL!
Flashfire: "Not in my channel!"
*** Manager was kicked by Flashfire (Flooding/Scrolling)
Erm...
MANAGER used SCROLL UP!
MANAGER SCROLLed UP!
MANAGER: "Hmm...I see you are right, kid. Here, have some free food"
Heh heh heh heh-er...Thank you Mister Manager Sir!
MANAGER: "Aww...he's so cute"
I'm cuter when I'm eating.
MANAGER: "Oh right, yes, of course. What was your order"
Heh heh, what's it feel like to be outsmarted by a character, Narrator? Bet you're really-er...Big Mac and fries, with chocolate milkshake.
NARRATOR is shocked!
NARRATOR left in a sulk!

Location: Storm Version Staff Meeting Room

Are you SURE it was a good idea to have me be outsmarted?
Calm, my friend, I know you don't like it, but it will get us good BQ, this I am sure.
Hey guys, what's going on?
Ah, my co-Webmaster. We've definitely got a good BQ this time.
I repeat: Are you SURE?
Of course. Jason said if future battles were even HALF as brilliant as the last one, we'd be on our way to 6 BQ.
This calls for a celebration. Servant!
SERVANT: "You rang, m'Webmaster?"
Yes. Get us food. Lot's of it.
You don't think were being a little mean to the characters, depriving them of food?
No, of course not! What made you think such a thing? Are you ill?
You know, us Narrators have a treatment for this...

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Battle #5: A Pokébattle
Date: January 5, 2001
Location: Pokébattles
Player: Player
Author: Duo/Vivi

Hello, Player.
Hello, Narrator.
ENEMY appeared!
ENEMY wants to FIGHT!
Okay. Let's fight!
ENEMY sent out POKéMON!
I choose, Pokémon!
Get'm, POKéMON!
Use ATTACK!
POKéMON used ATTACK!
POKéMON was hit with RECOIL!
POKéMON fainted!
POKéMON fainted!
...?
ENEMY was DEFEATED!
You got EXP.!
You got YEN!
PLAYER is out of usable POKéMON! PLAYER blacked out!
PLAYER is in POKéMON CENTER in TOWN!
Which town?
PLAYER shut MOUTH!
Oops...
Err...
I can't stand this anymore!
...me either!
C-Can't... resist!
To protect the world from devastation!
To unite all peoples within our nation!
To denounce the eevhals of truth and love!
To extend our reach to the stars above!

Location: Storm Version Staff Meeting Room

What's up with this battle, man it sucks.
...is Crimson our narrator?!
Eh... okie o_o
...I'm SERIOUS! I mean... isn't it obvious they were Jesse and James all along?
No...
No...
Oh... eh... in that case...
NARRATOR went to BATTLEFIELD!

Location: Pokébattles

Jesse!
PLAYER was renamed JESSE!
James!
NARRATOR was renamed JAMES!
Eh...
There's a little conflict here...
That's for sure.
Who is narrator?
Yes... which one of you is narrator!?
I am the real NARRATOR!
I am the real NARRATOR!
...
...
This is like talking to yourself on mIRC.
This is like talking to yourself on mIRC.
I FWAP you with my FAN!
JESSE used FANFWAP!
JESSE used FANFWAP!
JESSE FANFWAPPED JAMES!
JESSE FANFWAPPED JAMES!
Now... I think there is only one thing that can fix this...
...the ancient Namek FUSION technique!
JESSE used FUSION!
JESSE used FUSION!
JESSE caused JAMES and JAMES to FUSE!
JAMES and JAMES FUSED!
Creating a new NARRATOR! JAMES is now NARRATOR!
Whoa! How? JAMES! JAAAMEES! I wanted to tell you.... that...
...
What?
YOU STILL OWE ME 20,000,000 YEN!!!!!!
Oops.
I gotta go! ^_^;
Hey....HEY!
JESSE disappeared!
NARRATOR must pretend to be like the OLD NARRATOR!
NARRATOR went back to MEETING ROOM!

Location: Storm Version Staff Meeting Room

Okay... I fixed that!
...what'd you do?
Yeah...
Nothing much... did a standup act.. just told a few jokes..you know..
Oh cool... Jason should really like it!
Yeah... maybe even a 6 BQ! ^_^;;
Shut up, or you'll ruin the act >_<
Well that about does it... Let's end this ba-
Say no more: BATTLE ENDED!
You took the WORD right out of my mouth :0
I said... BATTLE ENDED!
Oops... I forgot.
You IDIOT! STOPPIT! BATTLE ENDED!
Sorry.
... I'll take care of this...
DUO fainted!
BATTLE ENDED!
HEY! I don't faint! I'm a webmaster!
...
NARRATOR wants to FIGHT!
To be continued...

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